Missing the future

So I know that smells bring back memories, and listening to the same music that you were listening to at some other point in time can evoke the same feelings you had back then… But, situations?

I guess it’s more like some sort of hybrid déja vu. Well that’s not the word I’m looking for but my mind isn’t functioning correctly it would seem.

Because today, after school, I hung out with C, my ex, and it was just…Weird. At the very start of our relationship and before it when we were just becoming friends, we would meet up and chill out at the library. I think I said here that we hung out a few times since we broke up, but if not, we have and it was always at his house. But today he cycled out on his new little BMX and we just did what we used to do. He did tricks and stuff, ramping off the steps, pretty cool 🙂 Wish I could do that sort of thing.. And we sat and messed round and talked and laughed and it was weird because it was so close to what it used to be, I could almost reach over and kiss him. Almost. Of course I didn’t- that’s not what we are- but it was frustratingly tempting for a while there.

After he left I went to my book club, just like I used to. I got a lift home with a librarian, just like I used to.

It was as I waited outside in the cold that I noticed the similarity with a multitude of nights which would have been identical to it; back then at the start we had a whole plethora of possibilities ahead of us, and now everything is in the past.

But something about everything: the scent of the cold air and the feel of it on my skin, the way it was already dark and I was getting that same lift, it was all the same. And for a small moment I could almost close my eyes and believe that none of the last year had happened. If I tried hard enough I could pretend this was just the beginning of something great, something magnificent. But dreams don’t last, and the knowledge that I can’t go back and start all over again brings with it the feeling of waking up from a particularly beautiful dream and realizing it was all a fantasy and it’s over now.

Because it’s over now.


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Filed under Love, Mein Life, Memories and such, Thoughts

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