He followed me home.

In movies and such, there is often a scene where a female is ambushed by a  person/s with not-nice intent, but I sort of thought it was just an exaggeration, or that it only happened in cities, or something like that.

Well, that was naive of me!

One night, I was at my neighbours house for her 18th birthday. It was great fun,I spent my time dancing foolishly to awful music, not caring cause it was so funny and there was free drink and smiles all around, gently rejecting a few approaches, having fun and chilling out.

At about 4am I was in a caravan next to the house and I decided I wanted to go home. It was getting late and  I didn’t want anyone asking to stay over at mine, as I’d have had to refuse them and I didn’t want to deal with unpleasant things like that. As well as that, most people had gone home or to sleep in random places, so I left. I trotted of quite smartly as there was this guy, P, who had arrived, who was drunk and loud.

He left too so I went into the house and got my jacket, hoping that he would be turned away by my unavailability. But when I came out, after loitering inside for a bit, he was pissing by the side of the house. I was unnerved by the fact that he was still there, but relieved that he was occupied, so with averted eyes I scaled the fence between our houses. As I was clambering over it, I heard him call after me. Nearly running, I got to the side door of my house and saw that my mother had been an idiot and left the keys in the outside door again, something I was thankful for at that moment. I could hear him climbing over the fence, calling at me to wait. I yanked the keys out and was inside the house, pulling the door closed, when he got in the way. I was just that bit too slow.  I was standing in the doorway, blocking him from coming in, and he was standing between the door and the frame, blocking me from closing it. He asked if he could stay and I told him no – my mother and her boyfriend were here, and one of her friends was staying over: there was no space and he wouldn’t be allowed.

He proceeded to ask repeatedly if he could and I kept saying he couldn’t, and still he persisted in asking if he could. I told him, nicely, to go back over to my neighbour’s and sleep in the caravan as there was space there… But he was having none of it, and then he asked me what I would say if he asked for a kiss. AGH. I told him I’d say no, and so he went into the whole routine of  “Don’t you like me?” I told him it wasn’t that, I just didn’t want to kiss him. He then started asking if and why I preferred D- a sweet little guy who I’m good friends with and who has been included in some rumours relating to me lately, which are false, just because I stayed over at his house. I told him I didn’t and that nothing was going on there, and in fact I hadn’t touched anyone since my last ‘thing’ with a guy. He asked if I was just using him, why I was being a bitch, mean, a tease, all this nonsense designed to make me feel insecure, apologetic, sorry for him. It was like he was trying to flood me with different methods of manipulating someone in the hope that one of them would work, and he didn’t care which, as long as it got him inside. I was trying to be all “assertive” but he was being such a PRICK, hardly listening to me, just picking out things that I said and trying to find weaknesses in them, or just reverting back to accusing me with questions.

Come on, just let me inside.

Don’t you like me?

Why are you being so mean?

Just one little kiss.

Stop being such a bitch.

They’re not strange questions, by which I mean, I’m sure most girls have heard them or questions along those lines from time to time, but he was just so wearyingly repetitive. He was acting so goddamn entitled! Like he had a right, like he for some reason deserved to have his way.  I was trying to remember how to defend oneself against a larger opponent, while keeping him distracted, and also trying not to alert him to the fact that I was trying to distract him. I was relying on the strength of society’s rules to keep him from physically forcing himself inside. It was very undignified because I was standing in the door to my own home, yet I felt at a distinct disadvantage. I was kind of ashamed that I couldn’t get him to leave, and I was trying not to let his words affect me. I didn’t want to wake up my mother to come down and deal with a drunk prat who was harassing me, I know I should be able to deal with that kind of thing myself.

I also didn’t want to overreact because it was just words. He was phrasing everything like it was so reasonable, like I deserved to be called a bitch – not acting like he was being abusive, but like I was being irrationally stubborn. I couldn’t help feeling a little unsure of myself. There’s also the fact that he’s part of my wider circle of friends, so I didn’t want him to start slandering me – I had to try and act good-humoured about the whole thing as I reiterated once again that no, I didn’t personally hate him, and that no, I actually wasn’t in the habit of kissing everyone else, but that I simply didn’t want to kiss him. He also owes me an amount of money that I didn’t want to forfeit. The way it is though, I could have taken a definitive action like punching him but I knew he was drunk and we are sort of friends normally and I didn’t want people to think I was a bitch, or that I had overreacted or anything.

He eventually left, but it didn’t feel like I had won. I had to let him go, even though he was with throwing horrible comments back at me, and being thoroughly unpleasant. I’ve never experienced anything so blatant, before. And yet, it still wasn’t blatant enough for me to feel secure in breaking free from societal expectations and dictations.

So that pretty much ruined my evening; I was a bit shaky, wanted to beat the crap out of him, and I was also upset because he was being terribly mean..


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