Category Archives: Memories and such

Lads, versus “The Lads”

Well there are guys, men, males, boys, bastards… I call them lads. And there are friends, I call them the lads. There can be confusion regarding my definition because sometimes one of the lads turns out not to be, he turns out to be just another guy. Sometimes a lad can join the group of the lads.

It’s nothing official though, but it is quite select. The group varies depending on who you are with. The lads are the guys I’ll call up to ask if they’r up for a camping trip. Lads are guys who’ll call me up asking if I want to sleep in their tents.

The lads are all males. That would have been inherently suggested in the label, but I am friends with girls too, and go camping with them. It’s just that I often get on better with guys as they’re not all drama drama, and they’re better for the craic.

Btw, if you’re not Irish and you don’t know what “the craic” is, damnit don’t ask me for I haven’t a clue. As some one on one of the sites I looked at trying to find a definition for it said “You can’t define it. It’s just something which happens. It’s organic. It depends on what is happening, where you are and who’s there.” It’s probably best you googled it yourself and got an idea of what it was from the many, many descriptions.

Anyway, I was inspired by a post of Freshest15’s (go here to read it) to think about my standards with guys. The truth is, really, I used to be a slut. That’s bluntly put, but then I was an idiot. I regret it now because even though I (like to think I) have changed, people don’t respect that. I wasn’t a slut except out of ignorance and stupidity, and overindulgence in relation to the consumption of alcohol and… Such. And they were always so surprised when I said I was a virgin. So fucking surprised.

I was pretty naive, for a slut. The thing is, I would fall for anything. I suppose I believed in the general “goodness” of everyone. If a lad told me he was cold and put his hands on my waist, inside my top, I would remind him that it was just because he was cold, and that was all. And then they would offer me a drink, or two or three. It’s amazing how generous people are, when they want something, isn’t it?

They will try to lure you away from people, not in a rapist sort of way, just.. Well yeah sort of, except I would be too drunk or too worried about what/whoever it was we had to “go and find” and then… Woop, they’re all over me. Because they like their privacy, they do. And I didn’t see, didn’t see for so long that when a guy asks you to go somewhere alone with him, it’s not an innocent request.

This one time, this guy was being actually ridiculous… They never actually want to force you to do anything of course, but as long as they can act like they’re joking then they wont feel bad. He would pick me up, throw me over his shoulder, and carry me outside… Literally. And we were laughing so no one minded. But then I would hit him till he let me go, go in, make a friend sit by me, and he would push in between us.  When it became clear I wasn’t going to “go outside for a walk” he started trying to get me under a pillow, to make out. Literally. A fucking pillow. He held it over his face, and tried to convince me to listen to something he had to tell me, under there. Yeah fucking right.

I’ve also learnt that if I guy says he’s cold, let him stay that way. His concept of “warming up” isn’t as go-sit-by-the-campfire as yours.

What got me out of being a slut, really, was not drinking for a while. After the whole C and I debacle, I gave up drinking because I never would have cheated if I hadn’t been drunk. And I guess that made me open my eyes a bit as lads would still hit on me, thinking I was drunk, and I would just see with a clear mind how sleazy they were, how much I didn’t want to be there, how absolutely un-genuine their words were. So now even when I’m off my head, I try to think about it as if I was sober. I do like to have fun, of course, and it can be fun to flirt and mess around, but I get so sick of it sometimes.

Obviously, all that is stuff that one of the lads would never do. The lads might give me a few bruises, might pull some practical jokes on me, might tease me but shit. That’s so much more fun than fending off some slimy guy all night. The lads are my actual mates I guess, and I love them, so I do. It can be so much of a relief to get away from girly drama and male flirting and all that shit and just chill out.

Hope all of you have some people like that, I have so much love and respect for them.



Filed under Love, Mein Life, Memories and such, Thoughts

Missing the future

So I know that smells bring back memories, and listening to the same music that you were listening to at some other point in time can evoke the same feelings you had back then… But, situations?

I guess it’s more like some sort of hybrid déja vu. Well that’s not the word I’m looking for but my mind isn’t functioning correctly it would seem.

Because today, after school, I hung out with C, my ex, and it was just…Weird. At the very start of our relationship and before it when we were just becoming friends, we would meet up and chill out at the library. I think I said here that we hung out a few times since we broke up, but if not, we have and it was always at his house. But today he cycled out on his new little BMX and we just did what we used to do. He did tricks and stuff, ramping off the steps, pretty cool 🙂 Wish I could do that sort of thing.. And we sat and messed round and talked and laughed and it was weird because it was so close to what it used to be, I could almost reach over and kiss him. Almost. Of course I didn’t- that’s not what we are- but it was frustratingly tempting for a while there.

After he left I went to my book club, just like I used to. I got a lift home with a librarian, just like I used to.

It was as I waited outside in the cold that I noticed the similarity with a multitude of nights which would have been identical to it; back then at the start we had a whole plethora of possibilities ahead of us, and now everything is in the past.

But something about everything: the scent of the cold air and the feel of it on my skin, the way it was already dark and I was getting that same lift, it was all the same. And for a small moment I could almost close my eyes and believe that none of the last year had happened. If I tried hard enough I could pretend this was just the beginning of something great, something magnificent. But dreams don’t last, and the knowledge that I can’t go back and start all over again brings with it the feeling of waking up from a particularly beautiful dream and realizing it was all a fantasy and it’s over now.

Because it’s over now.

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Filed under Love, Mein Life, Memories and such, Thoughts

Reasons to be quiet and listen and watch

The school bus is a manic place. It used to be a hierarchy with the older students sitting at the back, it was raised,  forcing young ones to get up on the stairs and sing stupid songs, or dance or that kind of thing.

There was also a huge tradition of “getting” people for their birthday, but it was worse than that sounds. People would get a bottle, fill it with eggs, milk, flour, dirt, orange juice, crusts…And leave it. Then when somebody had a birthday there was a waiting potion of gone-off foodstuffs to cover them with. A less vile method was getting a few boxes of eggs, gone off sometimes, and then when the lucky birthday person was coated, literally, shirts gone translucent sort of thing, they would be covered with flour. Then they would have to sit the whole bus ride back letting it dry on them. Yuck. I avoided this by never letting anyone but the closest of my friends know my birthday. Not everyone was so prudent.

Nowadays, I am one of the older students and..We’re lovely. I admit it can be tempting to intimidate the younger kids cause they are so disgustingly cocky, they show no respect and swear a ridiculous amount. They fill up the isle of the bus, cause traffic jams, ugh. But I try not to be like that cause  like being a nice person. It’s just that when I was young we would jump put of the way in the corridor.  My age group can’t be the learning experience that they were when I was young. we’re all stoners now, and I mean that quite literally. There is a bit of messing around, being boisterous in the halls but nothing like it used to be. There is a marked difference. People 2 years older who stayed back even, are closer to following the old tradition; jump on one kid, knock him down, jump on him again. Disgusting behaviour really… And then 2 years below, they are part of the group who came into secondary school like they owned it, with no one to tell them different. Ah well…

Today I sat at the back because there was no room up front where I normally sit-not being bothered walking all the way down there for no reason. I sat by the window, silently watching the countryside. And what did I see but a giant rainbow. It was lovely, I wish I could have shared it. But what with being so self absorbed, I doubt anyone else witnessed it.

I walked silently home, looking around, and saw a lovely sight. Some one walking in the wet, being offered a lift by some one in a car.

In the hedgerow, there are plenty of blackberries. Not to my taste particularly. Then I saw… Two wild strawberries! So so lovely 🙂

Has the act of being quiet and watching and listening ever given you a gift of beauty?


Filed under Memories and such, Thoughts

The ex.

C and I were an official couple for 5 months, and then after that for a few months we were… Messy.

Not the wisest thing I know, and in the end I did regret it. But it’s all a learning experience isn’t it?

I had to end it eventually because it was too head-fucky, and the thing is he was the one who ended us at first- he had a good reason to. But with me finishing it full stop, we weren’t able to even be friends: we had been so in love, it had been so crazy and passionate and desperately imperfect that letting go was what seemed like an impossibility. I went through a horrible, miserable place of post break-up depression, but at the same time as I had a thing going on with A (mentioned in Nice Guys Don’t Last) so there was the added stress and fun and drama and the feeling of discovery, that comes with the beginning of a romantic relationship of any sort. Complicated huh? Heartbroken and starting to fall for some one else. But that ended before it could be anything real so there you go.

When school started C and I tried out the idea of being friends, like you would check your body for scrapes after a fall. Tentatively, with expectations but without the knowledge of what they were. Experimental. We were so good together before everything fell apart; it would be… More than a shame to waste that. And so we have managed to hang out a couple of times but… We don’t know how to act.

It’s all new. Trying to find a balance, trying to find harmony. Trying to find friendship.


Filed under Mein Life, Memories and such

Nice guys don’t last

What is up with that? What I mean is, some one starts off seeming like a lovely person, a genuinely nice guy, and then BAM! It was just me being gullible.
I met A for the first time while sitting at a mates house with a couple of friends. He came in and offered us all a beer, and we accepted. But horror! I got the warm one, something I do not enjoy. I made a silly sad face and A gave a good natured eye-roll and gave me his (cold) one.

Well that’s a good first impression. Shame it didn’t last…

He had just been in a long relationship, that would be a good sign, right?

And everybody loves him. Literally, not one person I know would have a bad word to say about him. He’s funny and everyone likes his jokes. He looks after his mates. He makes sure a girl has got some one to walk her home, and would do it himself but he doesn’t want her boyfriend to get worried. So he’l just use his last credit to try and contact said boyfriend to come and walk his girlfriend back. He showers regularly and is so generous.

So we start being a bit of a couple, but he doesn’t want anything serious because he’s just been in a relationship. And hurrah, neither do I cause I’ve just come out of one too. So we mostly hang out on the weekends, get fucked together, but it’s nice to have some one who looks after me when I’m off my head, nice to have some one to share a hangover with.

But then I start noticing that when we’re out he sort of doesn’t talk to me. But he’s still brilliant to everyone else, it’s probably just cause he’s taking stuff. And oh look, we go back to his, he makes me tea and we watch a film in bed, then it gets so late there is only paid programming on and we laugh unbearably at how ridiculous some of the adds are. But the next day I don’t get a kiss goodbye.

I ask him what he’s doing on the weekend, he says he’s going to a techno night. I ask him about meeting up, he says if I go to that he’l probably see me. I ask where he’s staying, he doesn’t know, brushes me off. Later I’m at a friends and it turns out he’s staying there. I stay some where else.

Don’t talk to him for around a week, see him on the weekend but he doesn’t look at me, doesn’t talk to me. Repeated the next night and day. I ask him on facebook if we are over then. He doesn’t reply even though he is clearly online.

And that’s it. Haven’t heard a thing. He just finished whatever we were without talking to me at all. And the truth is I hadn’t invested myself and neither had he, we weren’t serious. But… I can’t understand why some one so nice wouldn’t even have the courtesy to reply to a fucking facebook chat. And also, what a waste. If we had just been friends we would still be now, but we can’t even do the staying friends thing that ex’s do cause we aren’t really anything, and anyway he ignores me.

So typical..

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