Anti-talkative

It seems to me that lately I don’t really have much to say to anyone.

Looking at the chat thing on facebook, there are around 10 people who I would probably have chatted with but I seem to be getting worse and worse at making small talk. It worries me a bit though, as I’m obviously not reaffirming my friendships and thus may lose them.

I also notice that the ten people I would chat to are only a percentage of the “friends” who are online, and the other people, I have quite likely only spoken to once or twice before. How utterly, bizarrely pointless. Facebook is quite depressing, I must say.

As I said, I don’t really feel the need to share much, anymore. I am oddly content with my own thoughts, and hardly even felt the need to write this buuut I know that if I stop then I’ll just keep putting it off and then, failure…

So yes. I like being quiet and am happy enough with my own company.

Most of the time anyway.

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It’s too available.

I threw up from drinking for the first time last night.

I wasn’t sure if I should share this because it doesn’t exactly show me in the best light,  but I figured I might as well be honest about who I am (and hope my parents don’t find this) because otherwise this blog would be a bit pointless…

And honestly, I’m pretty proud that I’d made it this far- nearly 17- before it happened. I also managed to do it for free. Because I have a certain, ah.. Lack of money. I wasn’t even sure if I should go out but I have generous friends and actually, I think that’s why it happened. Because I did not consume a large amount of alcohol- I just mixed Captain Morgans (Anyone know it? Like it?) and Kepplers (which is piss, unless you’re drunk) and Dutch Gold… And I can’t even remember what the beer tasted like.

Everybody was so lovely to me, as T said, “It happens to everyone”. He lent me his new hoody which was actually unnecessary as I had my own and I was still perfectly clean- obviously I threw up in a very lady-like, restrained manner. Everyone actually commented on how well I did, I see to have a talent for throwing up 🙂 Don’t think I’ll try it again though.

I still can’t get over how sweet everyone was, I guess they know what goes around comes around… And in a small town like I live in that will probably be sooner rather than later. Ireland has a reputation for drinking, and that’s because as young people there’s not really anything else to do. Drinking is just such a part of life, for us young ones at least. Around where I live there isn’t even peer pressure to drink, because it’s not something you do or don’t engage in. You either go out and drink, or stay home and don’t drink.  Or you can go out and not drink and have a crappy time because you just can NOT see what’s so hilarious about getting everyone to stand in a line and touch the wall.

Of course if you decide to overlook that, try to have fun without alcohol, there is always there are also the way-too-readily-available class A and B drugs.

I remember when I was younger, getting drink was a challenge that needed entrepreneurial minds and contacts. Now I can just ask one of my friends to go to the shop. Everyone is getting so old.

I’m exaggerating in a way I suppose, but that’s the side of small town life that I see. I actually stopped drinking for a couple of months earlier in the year and everyone was impressed with me, but going out just wasn’t as fun, I’d sit there feeling all shy  and quiet and end up looking after some one else.

I feel weird, as if I keep crossing these invisible boundaries with my life and with what I do. Anyway, I believe I shall stay at home tonight. It’l be the first weekend I’m not out for, that I can remember.

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Missing the future

So I know that smells bring back memories, and listening to the same music that you were listening to at some other point in time can evoke the same feelings you had back then… But, situations?

I guess it’s more like some sort of hybrid déja vu. Well that’s not the word I’m looking for but my mind isn’t functioning correctly it would seem.

Because today, after school, I hung out with C, my ex, and it was just…Weird. At the very start of our relationship and before it when we were just becoming friends, we would meet up and chill out at the library. I think I said here that we hung out a few times since we broke up, but if not, we have and it was always at his house. But today he cycled out on his new little BMX and we just did what we used to do. He did tricks and stuff, ramping off the steps, pretty cool 🙂 Wish I could do that sort of thing.. And we sat and messed round and talked and laughed and it was weird because it was so close to what it used to be, I could almost reach over and kiss him. Almost. Of course I didn’t- that’s not what we are- but it was frustratingly tempting for a while there.

After he left I went to my book club, just like I used to. I got a lift home with a librarian, just like I used to.

It was as I waited outside in the cold that I noticed the similarity with a multitude of nights which would have been identical to it; back then at the start we had a whole plethora of possibilities ahead of us, and now everything is in the past.

But something about everything: the scent of the cold air and the feel of it on my skin, the way it was already dark and I was getting that same lift, it was all the same. And for a small moment I could almost close my eyes and believe that none of the last year had happened. If I tried hard enough I could pretend this was just the beginning of something great, something magnificent. But dreams don’t last, and the knowledge that I can’t go back and start all over again brings with it the feeling of waking up from a particularly beautiful dream and realizing it was all a fantasy and it’s over now.

Because it’s over now.

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Smoking

 

The weather has been an almighty load of piss today and these last few days. In Home Economics in school we were discussing smoking, and our teacher asked if there was anyone who smoked or had smoked before but didn’t anymore. Needless to say (but I will anyway) there was not a person who admitted it, although I know for a fact there are smokers who sat in abashed silence, avoiding eye contact. Because it’s a stupid thing to do right?

And now smoking is banned in so many places. My teacher thinks this is a good thing, because it means there are less social smokers and it’s anti-social to smoke and you have to go outside and huddle in the cold (,the rainy weather was what brought the subject up). In my opinion though, this could be the reason that some people smoke. Because if you are hanging out with your friends and most of them leave to go and smoke, you feel left out, but you don’t have a reason to go with them. Smoking becomes quite cliquey and there is a sense of family and endurance shared by the smokers, and non-smokers could feel left out.

 

 

 

 

 

 

I am against smoking, and always have been, but this view of the bans has occurred to me because oftentimes I am the only one in a group of people who doesn’t smoke. I have resisted this far, and I intend to stay like this because smoking tobacco seems pointless to me, especially with the other costs of daily living, and socializing and all that..

Peace out 😉

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Reasons to be quiet and listen and watch

The school bus is a manic place. It used to be a hierarchy with the older students sitting at the back, it was raised,  forcing young ones to get up on the stairs and sing stupid songs, or dance or that kind of thing.

There was also a huge tradition of “getting” people for their birthday, but it was worse than that sounds. People would get a bottle, fill it with eggs, milk, flour, dirt, orange juice, crusts…And leave it. Then when somebody had a birthday there was a waiting potion of gone-off foodstuffs to cover them with. A less vile method was getting a few boxes of eggs, gone off sometimes, and then when the lucky birthday person was coated, literally, shirts gone translucent sort of thing, they would be covered with flour. Then they would have to sit the whole bus ride back letting it dry on them. Yuck. I avoided this by never letting anyone but the closest of my friends know my birthday. Not everyone was so prudent.

Nowadays, I am one of the older students and..We’re lovely. I admit it can be tempting to intimidate the younger kids cause they are so disgustingly cocky, they show no respect and swear a ridiculous amount. They fill up the isle of the bus, cause traffic jams, ugh. But I try not to be like that cause  like being a nice person. It’s just that when I was young we would jump put of the way in the corridor.  My age group can’t be the learning experience that they were when I was young. we’re all stoners now, and I mean that quite literally. There is a bit of messing around, being boisterous in the halls but nothing like it used to be. There is a marked difference. People 2 years older who stayed back even, are closer to following the old tradition; jump on one kid, knock him down, jump on him again. Disgusting behaviour really… And then 2 years below, they are part of the group who came into secondary school like they owned it, with no one to tell them different. Ah well…

Today I sat at the back because there was no room up front where I normally sit-not being bothered walking all the way down there for no reason. I sat by the window, silently watching the countryside. And what did I see but a giant rainbow. It was lovely, I wish I could have shared it. But what with being so self absorbed, I doubt anyone else witnessed it.

I walked silently home, looking around, and saw a lovely sight. Some one walking in the wet, being offered a lift by some one in a car.

In the hedgerow, there are plenty of blackberries. Not to my taste particularly. Then I saw… Two wild strawberries! So so lovely 🙂

Has the act of being quiet and watching and listening ever given you a gift of beauty?

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The ex.

C and I were an official couple for 5 months, and then after that for a few months we were… Messy.

Not the wisest thing I know, and in the end I did regret it. But it’s all a learning experience isn’t it?

I had to end it eventually because it was too head-fucky, and the thing is he was the one who ended us at first- he had a good reason to. But with me finishing it full stop, we weren’t able to even be friends: we had been so in love, it had been so crazy and passionate and desperately imperfect that letting go was what seemed like an impossibility. I went through a horrible, miserable place of post break-up depression, but at the same time as I had a thing going on with A (mentioned in Nice Guys Don’t Last) so there was the added stress and fun and drama and the feeling of discovery, that comes with the beginning of a romantic relationship of any sort. Complicated huh? Heartbroken and starting to fall for some one else. But that ended before it could be anything real so there you go.

When school started C and I tried out the idea of being friends, like you would check your body for scrapes after a fall. Tentatively, with expectations but without the knowledge of what they were. Experimental. We were so good together before everything fell apart; it would be… More than a shame to waste that. And so we have managed to hang out a couple of times but… We don’t know how to act.

It’s all new. Trying to find a balance, trying to find harmony. Trying to find friendship.

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I’ll ask permission soon…

One of my friends moved to England about a year ago. Another moved there this summer. So Allie and I were talking about going over to see them, and also so as to take advantage of the opportunity to visit a theme park because In Eirinn we have none 😦 Lots of sadface..

And we said to each other that we wouldn’t just talk about it and not do it. So we are going to do it. We have booked tickets. We’re going to Alton Towers, we’re also going to see The Cat Empire and I’m listening to them now and how absolutely lovely. I’m looking forward to going on this trip so much. It’s going to be crazy. We’re bringing two guys with us too, an ex from the days of not having serious relationships, who will be handy to have as he’s 18. And another guy who has the same name, spelled differently. And we’re meeting the two friends who have moved away. So it should be a great experience. I’ve tried planning going to other countries to visit foreign friends but it just hasn’t worked out.

And now this! It’s so great! And not even too expensive which is good considering my, complete lack of pennies.

The only issue is that I haven’t actually got my parents permission yet…

So that could be a problem.

Oh well, I’m the one with my passport at the moment, got a handful of cash (I had to use my “college fund”-hah! to pay for school stuff this year and he paid me back) and a with bit of entrepreneurial work I should manage this. O.o

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